“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
School be like
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?