Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

thank god the sign was there

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

If you love someone, let them sleep.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.