HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
When you let grandma cat sit
Fights fire with marshmallows
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap