Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Lmao