“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
You Might Also Like
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.