“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?