Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.