Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

water it, i dare you

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

What a chick magnet..

Camping tip: No.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.