Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.