Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I’m not wrong

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere