Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.