Hero horse inspires millions
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?