Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble