Hero horse inspires millions
You Might Also Like
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers