I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago