Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]
Wife: [terrified and crying]
Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.
Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor
Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
2: He ate 3 campers