@CharlesFinch

Hero horse inspires millions

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@GrahamKritzer

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

@Mirimade

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@ComedicBust

[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@thepaulasuzanne

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

@XGibbons

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers