Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Weighing up my bread heating options

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday