Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

My background check bounced.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie