Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.