Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees