Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The options really are this bad
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.