Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I don’t think my car can fly
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone