Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shower sex be like:

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

yeah not falling for this one

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*