Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

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Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

I just love that new Pope smell.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.