Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

is this how new cars are made??

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1489285286362325003/pu/vid/1280x720/zYTcI2scXBRaBoHQ.mp4?tag=12

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)