Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

😾

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*