Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?