Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht