[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“He’s 24 months old.”
Your child is 2
You Might Also Like
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
“I am going on a trip.” “Mushrooms or acid?”
idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”