Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

I gave up going to work for lent.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Adultry does not sound fun at all