He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I mean…but I did
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Mike is short for Micycle
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators