Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.