Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realize this:

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.