He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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this got me crying😭😭
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…