Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either