Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

💀💀💀💀

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.