He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Don’t we all.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming