He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
This billboard speaks to me
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Jupiter
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens