Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

#FunnyLife Insects

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.