He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?