He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with