new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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mmm onion ringos
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
who will stop them
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.