@sofarrsogud

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

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@jennfer46

A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…

My dogs don’t even own bikes..

@TheAlexNevil

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

@toastymoe

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

@sbellelauren

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

@NotTodayEric

Some days you’re the cap’n crunch and some days you’re the roof of the mouth.

@ShittyComedian

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

@TheToddWilliams

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

@DurtMcHurtt

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.