@jennfer46
A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…
My dogs don’t even own bikes..
@sofarrsogud
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
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@jennfer46
@TheAlexNevil
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
@toastymoe
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
@sbellelauren
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
@AthenaMystique
Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
@NotTodayEric
Some days you’re the cap’n crunch and some days you’re the roof of the mouth.
@ShittyComedian
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
@TheToddWilliams
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
@aspiringtoucan
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
@DurtMcHurtt
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.