Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

My spirit animal is fried chicken

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

God making man in his image was the original selfie

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.