Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS