Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this