He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that