He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Asking the real questions!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Reporter: *ports again*
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Best table by far
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.