Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

A great tip. #CakeRex

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.