Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.