He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Worst perfume name ever.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup