He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.