He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
#catsoftwitter
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”