Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.