Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch