He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Butt weight. There’s more!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?