He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.