He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.