He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
You Might Also Like
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
#Caturday
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
i guess his teacher was really pissed
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.