He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Limited budget
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Church Pugh’s
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together