Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda