Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time