He’s cranky this morning
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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.