He’s cranky this morning
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win