He’s dead
You Might Also Like
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.