He’s dead
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Good morning!
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
dead inside
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…