Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

“I wouldn’t.”

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse