Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up