He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
A double negative is a big no-no.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”