You Might Also Like
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.