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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*praying for world peace*
God:
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3