he’s doing your taxes
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Sell your car
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
There’s never enough good news
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.