he’s doing your taxes
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Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Drilling for oil is well boring.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
😭😭😭
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Dietest Coke
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.