Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

Are you a cat person or a person person?

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

I think my mom just blocked me

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.