Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

thank god

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

SQUARREL

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working