Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

I missed you with all my darts

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin