Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

the zen of frog

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

hamburger doesn’t need your help.