“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Love it! 👍😂
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
This is my bus stop.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place