“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
catch me on valentine’s day like
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
